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Haven't been posting much lately. I think I needed the break. After the drama of the last few weeks, I didn't want much to do with my journals - any of them. I kinda still do not. We had a blowout party for baby's 36th birthday last Saturday: Way too much cocaine was inhaled, and the comedown just HURT.

Went to court yesterday and discovered I could still get my time to take of the tickets extended. Pled not guilty and now I have another two months. Not that i will need that long. Should have my license next Monday, and the insurance a few days after that. My depression may be lifting a little - I upped the dose of my Welbutrin to what it used to be a few years ago, on my own advice. I still don't know why my last shrink took it down when it worked as well as it did. because she was a quack who prolly graduated in the bottom third of her class, that's why. Duh. Public doctors = crap doctors.

I'm wasted, and not chemically. Got plenty of sleep but I just don't have the energy. I do have a job interview on Monday, however, and that's a good thing, esp. since it'swith the universiy, which means free tuition, among other things. It ALSO means having about 30% of my check sucked out for benefits, but with three incomes in the house, we'll finally be able to afford moving to a better location. 

And I am getting a truck next month, in reward for getting my license. it's my Mom's old Toyota Tacoma, and my brother had it checked out and called to tell me it was pronounced in "excellent' condition: Worth about $3800 in trade. Not bad for a ten year old vehicle.

Things are looking up. I think. I just wish I were all the way out of the depression hole so I could fully appreciate it. Oh well. Another week or so and I will be there.

Fic for a Friend

st… Part One. Don’t worry, it gets much more brutal and ugly before the end.

The Ass Dream

Perversion- Original Soundtrack

My Many, Many Mutants
 Thunder on the Mountain - Bob
Steve Earle/ Del McCoury - Yours Forever Blue
Tin Roof Blues - Louis Armstrong
Shake a Tail Feather - Ike and Tina 
Snakedriver - JAMC
Dead Souls - NIN
Darkness - Rage Against the Machine
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
Down by the river - Neil and Crazy Horse
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
Ashes to Ashes - David Bowie
Nutbush City Llimits - Ike and Tina
What Becomes of the Broken Hearted - Jimmy Ruffin
The Mountain - Steve Earle/Del McCoury
Big Empty - Stone Temple Pilots
Hands - The raconteurs
C'mon Baby Let's Go Downtown - Neil and Crazy Horse
Hard to Handle - Black Crowes
FX - Black Sabbath
Up the Hill Backwards - Bowie
Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers
God Save the Queen - Sex Pistols
Give It Up (Gypsy Second Line) - Dr. Michael White
Stagger Lee - Lloyd Price
I'm in the Mood - John Lee Hooker
Drift Away - Dobie Gray
Pilgrim - Steve Earle
Welcome to the machine - Pink Floyd
All These Things That I've Done - The Killers
Hurt -NIN


Family Bonds

End Part One.



This journal is dedicated to my woman, no_1_xman_fan, to the sultry and sensuous marvel known as ogodwhatnow, to that rapacious and reubenesque piece of steak we call gothicbeauty21, and to the fetching and frantic serpent_sky.

Where are you tonight, you blessed whores? Are you face-deep in a mound of coke, blitzed on wine and weed, your delightful tongue shoved up the sex of some lucky party-slut? Are you alone in your bed, naked, dreaming of being used and degraded by an angry man and an angrier cock? Are you opening your mouth and allowing your man to fuck it like a cunt?

Are you at home, geeked out of your mind, horny and insane, jacking off the dog and dreaming of Daddies who rape-fuck their little girls? Are you slamming the dildo in as deep as possible, wishing it belonged to the abuser of your dreams? Are you making yourself into a porn whore of the first rank for the man who demands it? Are you dreaming of and lusting after cock, that wondrous hard thing which justifies and validates your existence? Are you sitting in front of the computer screen, gazing in rapt and pre-orgasmic silence at pictures of depravity that would dry the tears of the Christ you keep on his cross on your mantle? Are you remembering all the awesome nights in roomsful of orgiasts like yourself, dominant and aggressive men double stuffing women and bending them like flesh pretzels? All of the women there desperate, frantic for release and relief, eager to be enjoyed, used and destroyed?

Are you lost and drowning in a cess pond of porn and perverse fantasy? Are you finding the margins of taboo pushed wider each day? Are you yet to the point where anything naked, anything sexual, anything sick, twisted or just plain wrong is a delight to be experienced?

Does anything matter as long as men come and fuck your fillings loose? Is work just a thing to endure so you can afford over-indulgence and excess every day and night away from the job? Have you mortgaged your values and sold off your dignity and integrity the better to sink into heaps of sweating, writhing, screaming naked flesh? 

Does thinking and saying 'cock', 'cunt', and 'sodomize' fill you to the brim with lust, with need, with appetites most unholy? Do you care at all about the world and its troubles as long as you get objectified and then knocked the fuck off your pillar, dragged through the slime of wanton sin? Do you have asoul? Is there a God? Is morality real and imposed from without, or another illusion to ignore and disdain as you pursue the fleshly gratifications? Would you sell your soul for a lifetime of good, hard, assaultive and violative fuck?

Do you suck? Are you worthless without cock? Is life a cruel joke only remedied by frigging your sex until you scream and squirt your desire like a fuck fountain? Is bad sex STILL sex, and thus better than none at all? Do you still cling to at least an illusion of dignity and respectability, all the while knowing yours is a corrupt and diseased heart? Do you seethe with self-loathing, seeking the rewards of vice and compulsion to self medicate the pain of your worthless, useless existence away from the bed? Is anything more important than cocks, cunts, mouths and assholes; fingers and tongues and toys; breasts and hardbodied chests, all straining in a labor of lust? 

Would you risk your employment and security for the sake of dick in your mouth or other fuckholes? Would you/ have you turned on friends and family who presumed to get in the way of that awful hunger? Do you fear the day your libido can no longer keep up with the aging process? 

Do you hate? Do you fantasize not so muchabout fucking and sucking as being annihilated and negated, a piece of meat, a doll, a thing to be used and discarded? Do you wish your identity could be blotted out by cock and come and cunt and ass? Do you find it's never enough, and yet more is only more punishing? Are you an addict? Are you hopeless and helpless in the face of your desire? Have you forsaken humanity for the sake of those delicious minutes when everything and all truth is dictated by the pounding of cock inside you?

Do you hate your sex? Do you hate everything alive? Does your burning wrath consume you, twist you, warp and pervert and destroy you? Do you spread your legs and open your mouth, eager to embrace this lovely destruction? Does anything matter?

Do you awaken, drenched in sweat, ashamed of yourself for dreams? Does that shame fuel you? Do you pray for toxicity and poison? 

Are you a fuckwhore? A bitch and a toy for others' use and pleasure? 

Are you like me? Do you wish you were?

This journal is a record of all the things that flow into my head and through my veins and which should be flushed down the sewer, unfit for human consumption. Stories and real life, speculation and rants and what-have-you. If it is sex or related thereto, it will be here. 

C'mon in and drown a spell...



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February 2007


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